


Strange contradictions in the human's history

by artsyspikedhair



Series: And Things Change For Better And For Worse [6]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Asperger Syndrome, Backstory, Body Dysphoria, Childhood, Children Are Mean, Food Issues, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Premature Childbirth, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Trans Male Character, combeferre-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 06:38:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5775466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Combeferre spent his childhood looking out for everyone but himself. Then he finds himself controlling the only thing he cares about having control over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strange contradictions in the human's history

**Author's Note:**

> This is the beginning of a story arc based partly on my own experiences. May become triggering in later parts of the story. Read the tags, I don't want to hurt anyone. Please don't hate me.

Combeferre was born early. He was small and born exactly at the right time: any earlier he would have died, any later he would have died. The doctors thought he would have died since his mother was only six months pregnant, but after a year of incubators and oxygen, Combeferre made it to the home he would take his first steps in, where he'd live for his first few years.

Combeferre would later say the timing of his birth was the only thing he got right in life. This sort of thinking would hit him hard and be hard to let go of. But that is later. 

Combeferre was given a first name, like all children with parents who care are given. He would respond to it as a young child, having known nothing else. Then on Kindergarten soccer, his teammates would all call him Combeferre. After that, he never let anyone but his parents call him by his first name ever again.

His mother liked to make him wear dresses as a child. Combeferre, knowing nothing else, let her pick out all of his outfits. He never paid much attention to the cries of "you look so pretty!" or "what a nice dress that girl is wearing", and after about first grade only his parents would call him pretty. He liked the feeling of twirling and having the air rush around him. He also liked hanging upside down on the monkey bars, especially when nobody could see him. When the other children did see him, they would laugh and say that they could see his underwear. 

Combeferre was a quiet child. He did his school work, read in his free time, and generally kept to himself. Whenever something needed to be done in the house, he would do it. He cared more about his family than himself, until he had friends that forced him into a world outside of his family. 

Combeferre was often lost in school. He was smart, and did all his work, but he would forget where his classroom was. Sometimes the playground was loud and so he'd cover his ears to block out the noise. He often played a game to see how long he could go without talking. His parents left home alone often, because he could be trusted, so sometimes he went entire weeks without saying a word. He had a hat that he would never take off. He didn't understand body language very well, and sometimes didn't look people in the eye. Kids notice the small nuances in people's behavior, and Combeferre would often be left out of their games or have nobody to work with in group projects. The kids would tell new students "Don't talk to that Combeferre kid. She's weird." 

Combeferre liked working alone. He could do projects on subjects that interested him. In his free time he would read books on subjects that interested him, like the Civil Rights Movement and human anatomy. By the time he was in fifth grade, Combeferre had developed a bit of an obsession on the Stonewall Riots. He tried to learn as much as he could about them. 

Summers Combeferre would spend at overnight camp. His parents would use the fact that he went as leverage; whenever he wanted something too expensive, they'd tell him "we can't buy you that if you want to go to overnight camp." Combeferre eventually learned to save up his allowance for what he wanted, which was the lesson his parents had been trying to teach him with their refusals. 

Combeferre befriended a kid in his cabin his first year there, when he was eight. The kid also went by their last name, Courfeyrac. Courfeyrac was an enigma to Combeferre. They had told everyone in the cabin on the first day of camp, "I know we're living in a girls' bunk, but I'm not actually a girl. I'm not a girl or a boy, the camp just wanted to put me here because the system thinks I'm a girl." Combeferre thought Courfeyrac's upfront approach to life was cool, and the two of them became close friends during those summers, discussing history. Courfeyrac made good puns and Combeferre knew disgusting facts about the human body. The two of them went to every elective together, and spent all their free time talking. Combeferre liked that Courfeyrac was nice to him, because he wasn't used to people being nice to him. Combeferre never told Courfeyrac about his life at home, though Courfeyrac went into great detail about their parents' jobs (their mother was a _writer! _ __As her living! Combeferre was dead-set on being a doctor, but the idea of writing books as something to be paid for fascinated him. Courfeyrac's dad was a construction worker, and the family never had money, but Courfeyrac liked talking too much to feel any embarrassment sharing that with his new best friend), and talked about their siblings lives. Courfeyrac's sister was going into special-education, and their brother was currently working on a farm. Combeferre was in awe of Courfeyrac's life.__

Combeferre discovered, in the summer between fourth and fifth grade, that he and Courfeyrac did not actually live that far from each other. So one day, during winter break, he visited. Surprisingly, Courfeyrac's sister was there too. So Combeferre and Courfeyrac hung out all day, and during dinner, Courfeyrac's sister nicely asked if Combeferre had Asperger's, because she had been studying how to handle people with Asperger's in her college. Combeferre didn't know what that was, but after Courfeyrac's sister listed all the symptoms (and Courfeyrac apologized for their sister's antics), Combeferre thought maybe he did have that. 

The summer between fifth and sixth grade was hard for Combeferre. He had begun puberty, and he did not like the changes that were happening. He spent multiple evenings skipping evening activity with Courfeyrac, crying while explaining his feelings. Courfeyrac was a wonderful listener, and they, after many nights of hearing their friend talk of their suffering and self-hatred, suggested that maybe Combeferre was transgender. Combeferre rudely denied such an accusation, saying he couldn't be because he used to like being seen as a girl. Soon after camp was over. 

Sixth grade was hell. Combeferre was not comfortable in the new school. He had made some new friends, including a homeless student named Feuilly who had started a GSA. Combeferre would go to the meetings, and they were the highlight of his week. Still, he hated his body and feared what his family and new friends might say if he were to transition. Sixth grade was the year his academic classes got harder too, and he found himself getting B's in many classes because he didn't 'participate' enough. He skipped gym the entire year and flunked it. With all these added stress, Combeferre needed a release. So he soon began hurting himself. It started as simply scratching himself until he bled, but by the time summer came around he had begun cutting himself. 

Courfeyrac never noticed Combeferre left meals in the middle to go the bathroom that summer. Combeferre would take his knife from the table and use it to cut himself in the stall. He would cut his chest, both because that was the area he hated the most and because nobody would see the marks from under his clothing. Combeferre felt it was an added bonus that by leaving in the middle he would end up eating less. He hoped it would help him lose the fat that had begun clinging to him during puberty, but unfortunately he noticed little difference.

Combeferre learned to accept he was trans that summer, with Courfeyrac's help. Courfeyrac cut Combeferre's hair one day, when they had sneaked behind the theater area during lunch. Combeferre also noted with much excitement that Courfeyrac was moving to Combeferre's side of town, and they would soon be going to the same middle school. 

Combeferre soon found his chest, now scarred with dozens of small healed and healing cuts, would no longer be a place he could mutilate. He had come out to his parents through a letter from camp. They, while mourning the so-called death of their daughter, were pretty much supportive when he was around, and they had bought him a binder for when he came home. So he came home, and begun wearing the binder. The only problem was that if he cut himself, the blood would soak into the binder, and ruin the effect. He liked having a flat chest, so he began hurting himself on his arms only when the stress got too bad. 

Feuilly noticed the change in Combeferre when, while on a rather hot day in the midst of a heat wave in September, Combeferre had worn a long sleeve shirt to school. Feuilly decided to talk to Courfeyrac about it. Courfeyrac said that it, while odd, might not be a cause for concern due to Combeferre's sensory issues. However, after September faded to October and the November, and neither of the friends had seen Combeferre's bare arms in months, despite any hot weather, they decided to confront Combeferre. Or rather, Courfeyrac decided, because they were closer to him. Combeferre was deeply involved with the school's GSA now that he had come out publicly, and so Courfeyrac had stayed late with him, making posters for the upcoming "Day of Silence", which Combeferre had thought was a rather bad idea, but he had been out-voted. 

Courfeyrac started the conversation, saying "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" 

Combeferre was sweltering in his long-sleeved shirt, especially with radiator on, but said "It's just you." 

"Seriously, though, aren't you hot?" Courfeyrac tried again. "I know you have a shirt on under there." 

"I'm _fine, _ __Courf!" Combeferre insisted.__

"Look, I'm sorry." Courfeyrac said. "But Feuilly is somehow convinced you're some crazy self-harming emo, so I promised him I'd confront you." Courfeyrac noticed the stricken, deer-in-headlights look on Combeferre's face, and got worried. "You're not, right?" 

Combeferre froze, shocked. Then he threw a pencil at Courfeyrac, which hit them on the shoulder. "I am NOT a crazy emo!" he said, outraged by his friend's blatant disregard for his pain. 

Combeferre knew, on some level, he had a problem. He knew that he was supposed to be happy, and he was, normally. He just got stressed too easily and liked the feeling of pain. He knew it wasn't normal, that it went against some animal impulse to survive, but he still thought of it as just a coping mechanism. The fact that he knew he had a problem didn't make his best friend's, the teenager he still sometimes, despite the new faces he could say hi to in the hall and occasionally start conversations with, thought of as his only friend, hurtful comment hurt any less. Combeferre wanted simultaneously to never cut again and to cut himself on the chest, deeper than he ever had before, until the blood dripped out of his aortic valve onto the floor and he died. He decided to just talk to Courfeyrac as though they hadn't called him crazy and emo. 

"I... I do hurt myself, sometimes. I'm trying to stop though." 

"Oh..." Courfeyrac felt awful. "I didn't mean what I said. You're not crazy or overly emotional. You're just in pain, and that's okay. I can help you stop, if you want." 

"Okay." 

Combeferre spent the rest of seventh grade fighting his urges to self-harm. He had some drawbacks and relapses, but he could talk to his friends now. Feuilly often spent the night at Combeferre's house when the shelter he lived in got over-crowded. His social-worker always okayed the visits, and so Feuilly helped Combeferre through the hard times. 

It was during this time Combeferre's self hatred manifested in other ways. It was during seventh grade he would make comments like "The timing of my birth was the only thing I got right in life." But Combeferre often kept the worst of his thoughts to himself, thinking his friends did not need another burden. 

Eighth grade was uneventful, only Combeferre gotten better at conversation. He seemed smooth now, almost like a neurotypical person (his parents had gotten him checked out, and 'surprise, surprise!', he had Asperger's), and begun learning more about feminism and politics. He had latched onto a new idea. If he ate less, his chest and hips might get smaller and his period could stop and he'd be like other boys. It was in eighth grade Combeferre began skipping breakfast. 

In high school he had decided to start skipping lunch as well. He liked the feeling of being hungry. 


End file.
